Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 99, December 13, 1890
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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 99, December 13, 1890

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The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., December 13, 1890, by Various
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Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., December 13, 1890
Author: Various
Release Date: July 14, 2004 [EBook #12905]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Vol. 99.
December 13, 1890.
MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. No. IX.—THE CURSE OF COGNAC. (By WATER DECANT,nioahlpsiFffhAuthf"CoroMen,""ThefotidEsnoiroft,ee"A"Slltsor NunsinDliemma,""TheCreamheTired,""Blue-the-MoneyNaughty-boy,""TheSliverGutter-Snipe,""AllforaFardenFare,""TheRoleyHose,""CaramelofStickinesse,"&c.,&c,.&c.) [OfthisstorytheAuthorwirtestousasfollows:"Icanhonesltyrecommendi,tascalculatedto lowertheexaggeratedcheerfulnesswhichisapttoprevailatChirstmasitme.Iconsiderit, therefore,tobeeminenltysuitedforaChristmasAnnual.Famiilesareadvisedtoreaditin detachmentsoffourorifveataitme.Marriedmenwhoowetheirwives'mothersagrudgeshould lockthemintoabareroom,withagutteirngcandleandthisstory.Deathwllibecertainandnot painless.I'vegotoneortworodsinpickleforthepubilshers.Youwaitandsee.W.D."] CHAPTER I. GEORGEGINSLINGwasaloneinhisCollege-rooms at Cambridge. His friends had just left him. Theywerequitetheitp-topsetinChrist'sCollege, andtheashesofthecigarettestheyhadbeen smokinglayabouttherichAxminstercarpe.tThey had been talking about many things, as is the wont ofyoungmen,andoneofthemhadparitcularly bothered GEORGE by asking him why he had refused a seat in the University Trial Eights after rowing No. 5 in his College boat. GEORGE had no answerready,andhadrepiledanglir.yNow,he thought of many answers. This made him nervous. He paced quickly up and down the deserted room, sipping his seventh tumbler of brandy, as he walked.Itwashisinvairablecustomtodrinkseven tumblers of neat brandy everynight to steady himself,andhisCollegecareerhad,in consequence, been quite unexceptionable up to thepresentmoment.HeusedplayfullytoremindhisDeanofPORSON'sdrunkenepigram,andthegood manalwaysacceptedthisasanexcuseforanyfalsequanititesinGEORGE'sGreekIambics.Butto-nigh,tas I have said, GEORGE was nervous with a strange nervousness, and he, therefore, went to bed, having previouslyblownouthiscandleandplacedhisWaterburywatchunderhisplilow,onthetopofwhichsata Devilwearingathickjerseyworkedwithlargegreenspotsonayellowground. CHAPTER.IINowthisDevliwasaWater-Devilofthemostpronouncedtype.Hishead-quarterswereontheThamesat Barking,wherethereisasewageouftall,andhehadlatelyestabilshedabranch-ofifceontheCam,wherehe did a considerable business. Occasionally,hewouldrundowntoCambridgehimse,fltoconsultwithhismanage,randontheseoccasions hewouldindulgehisplayfulhumourbygoingoutatnightandsittingonthepillowsofUndergraduates.
Thiswasoneofhisnightsout,andhehadchosenGEORGEGINSLING'splilowashisseat.
GEORGEwokeupwithastart.Whatwasthisfeeilnginhisthroat?Hadheswallowedhisblanket,orhis cocoa-nutmatitng?No,theyweresitllintheirrespecitveplaces.Hetoreouthistongueandhistonslis,and examinedthem.Theywereonifre.Thispuzzledhim.Hereplacedthem.Ashedidso,ashowerofred-hot coppersfellfromhismouthontohisfee.tTheagonywasawful.Hehowled,anddancedabouttheroom. Thenhedashedatthewhiskey,butthebottleduckedasheapproached,andhefailedtotacklei.tPoor GEORGE,yousee,wasarowing-man,notafootball-playe.rThenheknewwhathewanted.Inhiskeeping-room were sixcarafes,lluffombCadgriwaer,teH.sonaJdehsurendan,iadadnbtozoneoftlesádiHuny hurledhimselfuponthebottleswithallhisweight.Thecrashwasdreadful.Theforeignbotltes,beingpoo,r frail things, broke at once. He lapped up the liquid like a thirsty dog. Thecarafessurvived. He crammed them withtheirawfulcontents,oneatferanother,downhisthroa.tThenhereturnedtohisbed-room,seizedhisjug, andemptieditatonegulp.Hisbathwasfull.Helitfeditinonehand,anddraineditasdryasaUniversity sermon. The thirst compelled him—drove him—made him—urged him—lashed him—forced him—shoved himgoadedhimtodirnk,dirnk,drinkwater,water,water!Atlasthewasappeased.Hehadciredbittelry, anddrunkupallhistears.Hefellbackonhisbed,andsleptfortwenty-fourhours,andtheDevilwentoutand gavehisgyp,STARLING,acompletesetofinstrucitonsforuseincaseoflfood.
CHAPTERIII.
STARLING was a pale, greasy man. He was a devil of a gyp. He went into GEORGE's bed-room and shook his master by the shoulder. GEORGE woke up.
"BringmetheCollegepump,"hesaid."Imusthaveit.No,stay,"heconitnued,asSTARLINGpreparedto executehisorders,"ahairotfhedogbringi,tquick,quick!" STARLING gave him three. He always carried them about with him in case of accidents. GEORGE devoured themeagerl,yrecklessl.yThenwithadeepsighofreile,fhewentstarkstaringmad,andbitSTARLINGinthe lfeshypartofthethigh,afterwhichhefellfastasleepagain.Onawaking,hetookhisnameofftheCollege books,gaveSTARLINGachequefor£5000,brokeoffhisengagement,butforgottoposttheletter,and consutledaDoctor. "Whatyouwant,"saidtheDoctor,"istobeshutupforayearinthetap-roomofapubilc-house.Nowate,ronly spiirts.Thatmustcureyou." So GEORGE ordered STARLING to hire a public-house in a populous district. When this was done, he went and lived there. But you scarcely need to be told that STARLING had not carried out his orders. How could he beexpectedtodothat?Onlyiffty-sixpagesofmybookhadbeenwirtten,andevenpublishersthemost abandonedpeopleonthefaceoftheearthknowthatthatamountwont'makeaChirstmasAnnual.So STARLINGhiredaTemperanceHote.lAsIhavesaid,hewasadevliofagyp. CHAPTER IV. Thefactwasthis.OneofGEORGE'sgreat-greatuncleshadheldacommissionintheBlueRibbonArm.y GEORGErememberedthistoolate.TheofferofaseatintheUniversityTiralEightsmusthavesuggestedthe blueribbonwhichtheUniversityCrewwearontheirstrawhats.Thusthediaboilcalforcesofhereditywere rousedtofever-heat,andthegreat-greatuncle,withhisblueirbbon,whosephotographhunginGEORGE's homeoverthepalrourmantelpiece,becamealivingforceinGEORGE'sbrain. GEORGEGINSLINGwentandilvedinasuburbanneighbourhood.tIwasuseless.Hemariredasweetgirl withvariousspitefulrelationsI.nvain.HechangedhisnametoPUMPDR,Yandconductedalocalnewspape.r Profitlessstriving.STARLINGwasalwaysathand,alwaysreadywiththepatentlifter,andaspunctualinhis appearancesasthewashing-blliortheEastwind.Irepeat,hewasadevliofagyp. CHAPTER V. TheyfoundGEORGEGINSLINGfeetuppermositnsixinchesofwaterintheDaffodliRoadreservoi.rItwasa largereservoir,andhadbeenquitefullbeforeGEORGEbeganuponit.Thiswashisrecorddirnk,anditkilled him.Hislastwordswere,"fIIhadstucktowhiske,ythiswouldneverhavehappened." THE END. "IT IS THE BOGIE MAN!"—BLACKIE'SModern Cyclopediaodongtothi.NeltrnsMiytsirhCehthtiwEntertainmen,tbutaveryusefulworkofreference,issuedfromtheancienthouseofpubilsherswhichisnow quite BLACKIE with age. We have looked through the "B's" for "Bogie," but "The Bogie Man" is "Not there, not there, my child!" but he is to be found in that other BLACKIE's collection at the St. James's Hall, which BogieManissaidtobetheoirginalofthatilk.iraveedUndutr"?ieerPpshahetxendetoitifonB"goBLACKIE'sve-eCyropcliaedliwxelialpnstill-omerM-dore-nhtna.
PARS ABOUT PICTURES (by Old ParFhetAttArein'yteicoSrellaGsgazeyIontdupciutehpfoers). "Many-sidedNature"withgreatcontent,andcametotheconclusionthatM.rALBERTGOODWINwasa many-sidedarits.t"Now,"saidI,quotingSHAKSPEAREOdlPras'IpmveroEddioitn—"is the GOODWIN ofourgreatcontentmadegloirous."O.P,.whoknowseveryinchofAbingdon,whohasgazeduponHasitngs fromHighWickham,whoisintimatewitheverybrickinDorcheste,rwholoveseveryreedandirppleonthe Thames, and has a considerable knowledge of the Rigi and Venice, can bear witness to the truth of the painter. There are over seventy pictures—every one worth looking at. [pg 278] "BUSINESS!"
[pg27]9
Sweatert(o Mr. PunchTNREEFIREOYRUINESSISNG.BUSI"N.USO)NESSBUSI!" M .r P."YES, AND UNCOMMONLY BAD BUSINESS, TOO, FORTHEM. COULDN'T THE LARGE FIRMS TAKE A TRIFLE LESS PROFIT, AND PUTA LITTLE PLEASURE INTO THE BUSINESS OF THESE POOR STARVING WORKERS?" ["Business"!criestheSweate,rwhenremonstratedwtihforpayingthepoorMatch-boxmakerstwopence-farthing ortwopence-hal-fpennyagross,whlisthisownprofitsreach22-1/2to25percen.tDyliaweNs]. PunchtotheSweaitngShylock. Eh? "Business is business"? Sheer cant, Sir! Pure gammon? Ofalltheinhuman,shamMaximsofMammon, This one is the worst, Forundertiscovelrurkscrueltycallous, Withmurderousmeannessthatmetirsthegallows, And avarice accurst. Oh,well,I'maware,Sri,howruthlessrapactiy Lovestotakeshelter,wtihcunningmendactiy 'Neath an old saw; Butwellsaysthescirbethatsuch"business"iscirme,Si,r Andsuchwouldbebutforgapshaflthetime,Sir, 'Twixtjusitceandlaw. Bah! Many a man who's sheer rogue in reality, Hidestheharshknaveinthemaskofl"egaltiy." When'itstoogross, Robbery's rash, but austere orthodoxies Countenance such things as modern match-boxes Ninef-arthingsagross! Fromseventitllen,andsomeitmestoeleven, For"sixbob"aweek.Ah!suchilfemustbe heaven; Whilst as for your "profit," Tha'tsboundtoapproachfive-and-twentypercen,.t That Sweaters shall thrive, let their tools be content WtihstarvaitoninTophet. Tostarves'badenough,buttostarveandtowork (Mrs.LABOUCHEREhints),themostpaitentmayrik; AndtheladyisirghtBusiness? On brutes who dare mouth such base trash, Mr. Punchash,,wohlvojestiusacesndesneal,hsylsi Withthegreatestdeilgh.t HeknowstheexcusesadvancedfotrheSweate,r Butbadisthebest,and,unitlyoufindbetter, 'iTsuselesstocant Ofrfeedomofcontrac,tsupplyanddemand, Andallthecoldsophistireseveronhand Sound sense to supplant. A phrase takes the place of an argument often. And stomachs go empty, and brains slowly soften, And sense sick with dizziness, Allinthenameotfheboshmenembody Inoneclapt-rapphrasethatdupesmanyanoddy, That—business is business! Business?Yes,preciousbadbusinessforthem,Si,r Whose joyless enslavementyouekattiw,mSlhgehcphusir, Suppose, to enhance Therismallshareofease,suchasyou,werecontent,Sir, Toloweratrlfieyourprecious"percent,."Si,r And givethema chance!
SOFT SAWDER.
"BUTIDON'TCALLTHISAFASHIONABLE'AT"! "IT WILL SOONBECOMESO, MADAM, IFYOUAEWTIR"!
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. InCamp and Studiothnomesttiare,UGATNOMitemos,Mr.IRVINGatffcisofThe lIlustratedLondonNewsgiveshi,neecsfosxeepir-TsokiurhetusR.ngiChsapma HeconciselysumsupthequailifcaitonsofaWarCorrespondentbysayingthathe should"haveanironconsittuiton,alaconic,incisivestyle,andsufficienttactto estabilshasafeandrapidconnecitnglinkbetweentheforefrontofbatlteandhis ownhead-quartersinFleetStreetorelsewhere."AsM.rIRVINGMONTAGUseems tohaveilveduptohisideal,itisalitlteastonishingtoifndthelastchaptersofhis book devoted toBack in Bohemia,aw,hebryeeirnesooursdischeehDottnigfog HammersmithDesdemona, and of thePostlethwaites andMaudles, "whose peculiairiteshavebeenrecordedbythefacilepenofDUMAURIER."Butasthe author seems pleased with the reader, it would be indeed sad were the reader to A Christmas Masque. findfaultwiththeautho.rHowever,thismaybesaidinhisfavourhetells(atleast) onegoodstor.yOnhisreturnfromPlevnatoBohemia,adinnerwasgiveninhis honour at the Holborn Restaurant. Every detail was perfect—the only omission was forgetfulness on the part of the Committee to invitethe guest of the evening! At the last moment the mistake was discovered, and a telegramwashuriredlydespatchedtoMr.MONTAGU,teillnghimthathewas"wanted."Onhisarrivalhewas refusedadmittancetothedinnerbythewaiters,becausehewasnofturnishedwithaticket!Ulitmatelyhewas usheredintotheBanqueitngHall,wheneverythingnecessaliryendedhappily. OnemightimaginethatBirthdayBookshavehadtheirda,ybutapparentlytheysitlllfourish,forHAZELL, WATSON,&VINEYpublishyetanothe,rundertheitlteofNames we Love, and Places we Know. The first doesnotapplytoourfirends,buttothequotationsselected,andplacesareshownbyphotos. Of manyenifectnseBlfuveLindaseUgdenotgnasujheRElBliMr"a,eShyni,"wAHuCosertiitethadre variouscasesbroughtbeforehimbyM.rROBERTCOCHRANE. Unluckywiththisname,byACORILENASUlielettirgwhlerosdaehtkoobethotbllnwiN.TI Everybody's Businessidnnehteirfprovedcaseitinhtsicn,ebtuHORNAYTbody,noseilkiefertnreMSIyb, need. Chivalry,Lbyadnisthood,itsrules,htigknfoleiconrhcasi,HTIRFENRYbyHtednslatarEI,RAGTUOÉN deeds.Tothescientiifcstudent,iDvocsCthenterytuenofoisniNenhtesanerieventdIn, by ROBERT ROUTLEDGE,B.S,.F.C.S.,wlilbeinteresting,andhelphimtodiscoveralothedoesnotknow.Thosewho have not already read it,A Wonder Book for Girls and Boysearlyb,ANIENATHWTHOLHAwliNR,Eevalah treat in the myths related;Tanglewood Tales are included, and these are delightful for all.Rosebud, by Mrs. ADAMSACTON,ataleforgilrs,whowilllovethisbirghltiltteflowe,rbringinghappinessallaround. HollyLeaves, the Special Number ofamitcehTSportingandDra, is quite a seasonable decoration for the drawing-roomtableduringtheChirstmasholidays. My faithful "Co." has been readingJack's SecretERONCAMich,,whMsr,ybEVTT.OLltaeyha,grsehyssa pleasedhim.Ithasaninterestingstor,yandisfullofcleversketchesofcharacter.Jackhtsraera,fismle,ih weakpersonage,andscarcelydeservesthegoodfortunewhichutlimatelyfallstohislot.Atferlfiritngwitha borncoquette,whotreatshimwithacruetlywhichisnotatlogetherunmeirted,hesetltesdownwitha thoroughlylovablelilttewife,andaseatintheHouseofLords.Fromthisitwllibegatheredthatallends happily.Jack's SecretwyMUDIE's,andwlileblteotubelbaredisnocaorft,epkbelilthebytime
subscribers. Gilrswillbetheircherthisyearbyromowt-eirotSetyifFrGisforlsghlidtethwisiwbyoeedllband,t-ytowifF moreStoiresforBoys, by many of the best authors: both these books are edited by ALFRED MILES, and published by HUTCHISON & Co.Lion Jack, by P.T. BARNUM, is an account of JACK's perilous adventures incaptuirngwildanimals.tfIheyweren't,ofcourse,alltrue,Lyin' Jackhldouwneebevaettebaritlt.e Syd Belton, unlike most story-book boys, would not go to sea, but he was made togo.rM,rohtuaehtby, [pg 280] MANVILLEFENN.Oncelaunched,heprovedhimseflaBritishsaltofthefirstwater.Dumps and I, by Mrs. PARR, is aparCO.ETHUEN&owkr.sMrtoehrthwihe,anrpaiuqoet,slrdnabooteytrigkofticuyprlarl publish these. PicturesandStoriesfromEngilshHistory, andRoyal Portrait Gallery, are two Royal Prize Books for the histoirca-lmindedchild;theyarepubilshedbyT.NELSONANDSONS,asilkewise"tizrF"of Prussia, Germany's Second Emperor, by LUCY TAYLOR.Dictionary of Idiomatic English Phrases, by JAMES MAIN DIXON, M.A., F.R.S.E., which may prove a useful guide to benighted foreigners in assisting them to solvetheusualBirtishvagairesofspeech;ilkethecommencementoftheDicitonar,yitisquitean"A1"book. "DearDiary!"asoneofM.rF.C.PHILLIPS'sheroinesusedtoaddressherlitltebook,butDELARUE'sare not"dearDiaires,"norparticularlycheapones.ThispublisherisquitetheArftulDodgerindevisingdiariesin allshapesandsizes,fromthebigpocket-booktothemoreinsidiouswaistcoat-pocketbooklet,"smallby degrees,butbeauitfullyless."
"Here's to you, TOM SMITH!"—it's BROWN in the song, but no matter,—"Here's to you," sings the Baron, "withallmyheart!"Yourcomicgutta-percha-facedCrackersareanovetly;infact,you'vesolvedadifficultyby introducing into our old Christmas Crackers several new features.
ThisyeartheBarongivesthepirzeforpictorialamusementtoLOTHARMEGGENDORFER(Gods!whata name!),who,assistedbyhispubilshers,GREVEL&CO,.hasproducedanirresisitblyfunnybookofmovable figures,entiltedComic Actors. What these coloured actors do is so moving, that the spectators will be in fits of chuckling. Recommended, says THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
"WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS." ARGUMENT.—EDWIN has taken ANGELINA, hisifancéeshwigineMmsresi,tadn,eoratnaiennmtentby,at tosethisdoubtsatrest,hasgoneupontheplatform,andplacedhimselfenitrelyattheMesmeirst's disposition.OnrejoiningANGELINA,shehasinsisteduponbeingtakenhomeimmediatel,yandhasciredall the way back in the hansom—much to EDWIN's perplexity. They are alone together, in a Morning-room; ANGELINAisstillsobbinginanarm-chai,randEDWINisrubbinghisearashestandsonthehearthrug. Edwinahev'ntuodlIwin!mingycoebodupeongrowsi,ehtlkisomhavealleshLEGNA,yasI.onog'tondA,IN if'Idknownitwouldupsetyoulikethis;butIonlywantedtomakequitesurethatthewholethingwashumbug, and—(ltnecalpcomyeldhtta.inthrhettseIktarI) Ang. i(n choked accentst?hautbY.)suolttetdehow?cIayawogh,Oihtotraebt'na![allfitn.k.o.Fresh outburs.t Ed.lialettouYe'rad,nilrrensuovsallang,that',eIm'adoyuesthgirlltlefI.tlitlasyowdre,ebocnkentuIw perfectlywellwhatIwasaboutalltheitme. Ang.(with a bound). You knew?—then youwerepretending—and you call that a good joke!Oh! Ed.llefehtdna,tushsyeemyhitwli,lttstasjsug.IndinretelypdraHtdeesofieceabit.Iwaitwosrtkodemyaf anythingwouldcomeofitandnothingdid,that'sal.lAlteas,t'ImnotawarethatIdidanythingpeculia.rIn fac,tI'mcertainIddi'n.t(Uneasily.) Eh, ANGELINA? Ang. i(hergtoowinly,ubirnigeebfcaideucnoihssntcnitsidnt'raellynkwo,you'dbub-bub-.)fIuyod-d-ond-better-notaskbutIbeileveyoudoquitewe!ll Ed.nommocejs'ti,kwahsetLuosoaAtNtGhIlree,lfI,EievdebahlloatafthutoIsohludnkwoit.Idon't recollecti