The Humors of Falconbridge - A Collection of Humorous and Every Day Scenes
308 Pages
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The Humors of Falconbridge - A Collection of Humorous and Every Day Scenes

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Project Gutenberg's The Humors of Falconbridge, by Jonathan F. Kelley This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: The Humors of Falconbridge A Collection of Humorous and Every Day Scenes Author: Jonathan F. Kelley Release Date: November 15, 2009 [EBook #30480] Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE *** Produced by Irma Spehar, David Cortesi and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) "Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You needn't be afraid o' dem; come a'here, lay down, Balty—day's de dogs, mister, vot you read of!" "Ain't they rather fierce," responded the rural sportsman, eyeing the ugly brutes. "Fierce? Better believe dey are—show 'em a f-f-ight, if you want to see 'em go in for de chances! You want to see der teeth?"—Page 136. T H E H U M O R S O F F A L C O N B R I D G E : A C O L L E C T I O N O F H U M O R O U S A N D E V E R Y D A Y S C E N E S . B Y J O N A T H A N F . K E L L E Y . P h i l a d e l p h i a : T . B . P E T E R S O N , N o . 1 0 2 C H E S T N U T S T R E E T . Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1856, by T. B.

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Project Gutenberg's The Humors of Falconbridge, by Jonathan F. Kelley
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
Title: The Humors of Falconbridge
A Collection of Humorous and Every Day Scenes
Author: Jonathan F. Kelley
Release Date: November 15, 2009 [EBook #30480]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE ***
Produced by Irma Spehar, David Cortesi and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
file was produced from images generously made available
by The Internet Archive)"Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You needn't be afraid o'
dem; come a'here, lay down, Balty—day's de dogs, mister, vot you read of!"
"Ain't they rather fierce," responded the rural sportsman, eyeing the ugly
brutes. "Fierce? Better believe dey are—show 'em a f-f-ight, if you want to see
'em go in for de chances! You want to see der teeth?"—Page 136.
T H EH U M O R S O F F A L C O N B R I D G E :
A C O L L E C T I O N O F
H U M O R O U S A N D E V E R Y D A Y S C E N E S .
B Y
J O N A T H A N F . K E L L E Y .
P h i l a d e l p h i a :
T . B . P E T E R S O N , N o . 1 0 2 C H E S T N U T S T R E E T .
Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1856, by
T. B. PETERSON,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, in and for the
Eastern District of Pennsylvania.
TO
I S A A C S . C L O U G H , E S Q . ,
OF MASSACHUSETTS,
AS A SLIGHT TOKEN OF MY REGARDS FOR YOUR JUST
APPRECIATION OF A GOOD THING,
AS WELL AS FOR
YOUR RARE GOOD SOCIAL WIT AND AGREEABLE QUALITIES;AND MORE THAN ALL,
FOR YOUR GENEROUS SPIRIT AND WELL-TESTED FRIENDSHIP,
I DO WITH SINCERE PLEASURE,
Dedicate unto you this Volume of my Sketches.
FRATERNALLY YOURS,
FALCONBRIDGE.
TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE
This etext differs from the original in the following ways. First, the work used "somehow"
and "some how" about equally; these all have been changed to "somehow." Second, a
number of minor typographical errors have been corrected. Corrected words are indicated
by a dotted gray underline. Hover the cursor over them to see the original spelling (to find
them all, search the source file for the string "<ins"). Finally, a table of illustrations has
been added.
A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF THE LATE JONATHAN F. KELLY.
The life of a literary man offers but few points upon which even the pens of his
professional brethren can dwell, with the hope of exciting interest among that large and
constantly increasing class who have a taste for books. The career of the soldier may be
colored by the hues of romantic adventure; the politician may leave a legacy to history,
which it would be ingratitude not to notice; but what triumphs or matters of exciting moment
can reasonably be hoped for in the short existence of one who has merely been a writer
for the press? After death has stilled the pulses of a generous man such as Mr. Kelly was,
it is with small anticipation of rendering a satisfactory return, that any one can undertake to
sketch the principal events of his life.
It is, perhaps, a matter for felicitation that Mr. Kelly has been his own autobiographer.
His narratives and recitals are nearly all personal. They are mostly the results of his own
observation and experience; and those who, in accordance with a practice we fear now
too little attended to, read the Preface before the body of the work, will, we trust,
understand that the stories in which "Falconbridge" claims to have been an actor, are to
be received with as much confidence as truthful accounts, as if some Boswell treasured
them up with care, and minutely detailed them for the admiration of those who should
follow after him.Jonathan F. Kelly was born in Philadelphia, on the 14th day of August, A. D. 1817.
Young Jonathan was, at the proper age, placed at school, where he acquired the
rudiments of a plain English education, sufficient to enable him, with the practice and
experience to be gained in the world, to improve the advantages derived from his tuition.
He was, while yet a boy, placed for a time in a grocery store, and subsequently was
employed by Lewis W. Glenn, a perfumer, whose place of business was then in Third
street above Walnut.
In 1837, Jonathan, being of the age of nineteen years, determined to go out into the
world to seek adventure and fortune. He accordingly set out for that great region to which
attention was then turned—the Western country. Having but slight means to pay the
expenses of traveling, he walked nearly the whole of the journey. At Chillicothe, in Ohio,
his wanderings were for a time ended. The exposure to which he had been subjected,
caused a very severe attack of pleurisy. It happened most fortunately for him that a kind
farmer, Mr. John A. Harris, pitied the boy; whose sprightliness, social accomplishments,
and good conduct, had made a favorable impression. He was taken into Mr. Harris' family,
and assiduously nursed during an indisposition which lasted more than two months. This
circumstance appeased his roving disposition for a time, and he remained upon the farm
of his good friend, Mr. Harris, for two years, making himself practically acquainted with the
life and toils of an agriculturist. In 1839, he concluded to return to Philadelphia, where he
remained for a time with his family. But the spirit of adventure returned. He connected
himself with a theatrical company, and traveling through Delaware, Maryland, and
Virginia, was finally checked in his career at Pittsburg, where he undertook the
management of a hotel. This business not being congenial, he soon sold out the
establishment, and returned to Philadelphia. He shortly afterwards started away on a
theatrical tour, which extended through most of the Southern States, and into Texas. In this
tour, Mr. Kelly went through a great variety of adventures, saw many strange scenes, and
obtained a fund of amusing experience, which afterward served him to great advantage in
his literary sketches. After having thoroughly exhausted his roving desires, he returned to
Philadelphia, where, indeed, upon his previous visit, he had become subject to a new
attraction, the most powerful which could be found to restrain his wandering impulses. He
had become acquainted with a worthy young lady, to whom, upon his return, and in the
year 1842, he was married.
This union changed the thoughts and objects of Mr. Kelly. His wild, bachelor life was
over; and he seriously considered how it was possible for him who had been educated to
no regular business, to find the means of support for himself and family. Believing himself
to have some literary capacity, he was induced to go to Pittsburg, in order to commence a
newspaper in partnership with U. J. Jones. This enterprise was not a successful one, and
with his companion he went to Cincinnati, where he enlisted in another newspaper
speculation. The result of that attempt was equally unpropitious. Dissolving their interests,
Mr. Kelly then removed with his family to New York. Here he commenced a journal
devoted to theatrical and musical criticism, and intelligence, entitled "The Archer." Mr. J.W. Taylor was a partner with him in the publication. The twain also engaged in the fancy
business, having a store in Broadway, above Grand street. The adventure there not being
very successful, the partnership in that branch of their concern was dissolved, and Mr.
Kelly commenced a book and periodical store nearly opposite. This was about the year
1844. "The Archer" was soon after discontinued, and Mr. K. returned to Philadelphia.
About this time he commenced writing contributions for various newspapers, under the
signature of "Falconbridge." His essays in this line, which were published in the "New
York Spirit of the Times," were received with much favor, and widely copied by the press
throughout the country. The reputation thus attained, was such that he found himself in a
fair way to make a lucrative and pleasant livelihood. His sketches were in demand, and
were readily sold, whilst the prices were remunerative, and enabled him to attain a degree
of domestic comfort which he had before that time not known. From Philadelphia he
removed to Boston, where he hoped to find permanent employment as an editor. During
six months he relied upon the sale of his sketches, and again returned to New York, from
which he was recalled by an advantageous offer from Paige & Davis, if he would
undertake the control of "The Bostonian." He filled the editorial chair of that paper for two
years, when it was discontinued. He had now plenty to do, and was constantly engaged
upon sketches for the "Yankee Blade," "The N. Y. Spirit of the Times," and many other
journals and magazines, adopting the signatures, "Falconbridge," "Jack Humphries," "O.
K.," "Cerro Gordo," "J. F. K.," etc. During this time he projected "The Aurora Borealis,"
which was published in Boston. It was really one of the most handsome and humorous
journals ever commenced in the United States, but it was very expensive. After some
months' trial, "The Aurora Borealis" was abandoned. Mr. Kelly remained in Boston as a
general literary contributor to various journals until, in 1851, he was induced to undertake
the management of a paper at Waltham, Mass., entitled "The Waltham Advocate." This
enterprise, after six months trial, did not offer sufficient inducements to continue it, and Mr.
Kelly returned with his family to Boston. Whilst in that city, he had the misfortune to lose
his eldest son, a fine promising boy about five years and four months old; he died after a
sickness of between two and three days. Mr. Kelly was a kind and excellent husband, and
affectionate father. He doted on his child; and the loss so preyed upon his spirits, that it
produced a brooding melancholy, which he predicted would eventually cause his death.
After this time, General Samuel Houston, of Texas, made him very advantageous and
liberal offers if he would establish himself in that State. He left Boston for the purpose, but
was detained in Philadelphia by the sickness of another favorite child. Whilst thus
delayed, a proposal was made him to undertake the editorship of "The New York
Dutchman." He remained in that position about four months, when still more
advantageous offers were tendered him to conduct "The Great West," published at
Cincinnati. In September, 1854, he reached that city, and entered upon his duties. He
continued in the discharge of them about four months. In the meanwhile, he had become
associated with the American party; and induced by those promises which politicians
make freely, and perform rarely, he left the journal to which he was attached, to establish a
paper entitled "The American Platform." But two numbers of this effort were published.Whilst his writings were lively and flowing, he was sick at heart. The loss of his son still
weighed on his mind, and he was an easy prey to pestilence. He was attacked by Asiatic
cholera; and died on the 21st of July, 1855, after twenty-four hours' illness, leaving a
widow and three children to mourn his early death. His remains were deposited in Spring
Grove Cemetery. There rests beneath the soil of that beautiful garden of the dead, no form
whose impulses in life were more honest, generous, and noble, than those which guided
the actions of Jonathan F. Kelly.
The writer of this short biography, who only knew Mr. Kelly by his literary works, and
whose narrative has been made up from the information of friends, feels that he would
scarcely discharge the duty he has assumed, without a few words of reflection upon the
fitful career so slightly traced. For the useful purpose of life, it may well be doubted
whether a dull, plodding disposition is not more certain of success, than lively, impulsive
genius. Perseverance in any one calling, with a steady determination to turn aside for no
collateral inducements, and a patience which does not become discouraged at the first
disappointment, is necessary to the ultimate prosperity of every man. The newspaper
business is one which particularly requires constant application, a determination to do the
best in the present, and a firm reliance upon success in the future. There is scarcely a
journal or newspaper in the United States, which has succeeded without passing through
severe ordeals, whilst the slow public were determining whether it should be patronized,
or waiting to discover whether it is likely to become permanently established. Mr. Kelly's
wanderings in early life seem to have tinctured his later career with the hue of instability.
Ever, it would seem, ready to enlist in any new enterprise, he was led to abandon those
occupations, which, if persevered in, would probably have been triumphant. His life was a
constant series of changes, in which ill-luck seems to have continually triumphed,
because ill-luck was not sufficiently striven with. In all these mutations, it will be the solace
of those who knew and loved him, that however his judgment may have led him astray
from worldly advantage, his heart was always constant to his family. Affectionate and
generous in disposition, he was true to them; and he persevered in laboring for them
under every disadvantage. Altering his position—at times an editor—at times an assistant-
editor—anon changing his business as new hopes were roused in his bosom—and then
being a mere writer, depending upon the sale of his fugitive sketches for the means of
support—in all these experiments with Fortune, he was ever true to the fond spirit which
gently ruled at home. For the great purposes, and high moral lessons of existence, a
faithful, constant heart has a wealth richer and more bountiful than can be bought with
gold.
CONTENTS.
PAGE
If it ain't Right, I'll make it all Right in the Morning, 33If it ain't Right, I'll make it all Right in the Morning, 33
Don't you believe in 'em, 37
The Old Black Bull, 38
Dobbs makes "a Pint," 42
Used up, 43
The Greatest Moral Engine, 50
The Story of Capt. Paul, 51
Hereditary Complaints, 58
Nights with the Caucusers, 59
Affecting Cruelty, 64
The Wolf Slayer, 65
The Man that knew 'em All, 74
A severe Spell of Sickness, 79
The Race of the Aldermen, 80
Getting Square, 85
People do differ, 89
Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience, 90
A-a-a-in't they Thick? 96
A desperate Race, 101
Dodging the Responsibility, 107
A Night Adventure in Prairie Land, 108
Roosting Out, 114
Rather Twangy, 119
Passing around the Fodder, 120
A Hint to Soyer, 123
The Leg of Mutton, 124
A Chapter on Misers, 129
Dog Day, 133
Amateur Gardening, 138
The two Johns at the Tremont, 139
The Yankee in a Boarding School, 144
A dreadful State of Excitement, 149
Ralph Waldo Emerson, 154
Humbug, 158
Hotel keeping, 159
"According to Gunter," 164
Quartering upon Friends, 165
Jake Hinkle's Failings, 174
What's going to Happen, 176
The Washerwoman's Windfall, 177
We don't Wonder at it, 181
Old Maguire and his Horse Bonny Doon, 182
Getting into the "Right Pew," 187
A circuitous Route, 192
Major Blink's first Season at Saratoga, 193
Old Jack Ringbolt, 198
Who killed Capt. Walker? 199
Practical Philosophy, 203
Borrowed Finery; or, killed off by a Ballet Girl, 204
Legal Advice, 209
Wonders of the Day, 213
"Don't know you, Sir!" 214A circumlocutory Egg Pedler, 219
Jolly old Times, 223
The Pigeon Express Man, 224
Jipson's great Dinner Party, 229
Look out for them Lobsters, 236
The Fitzfaddles at Hull, 241
Putting me on a Platform! 247
The exorbitancy of Meanness, 251
"Taking down" a Sheriff, 252
Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire, 257
Sure Cure, 261
Chasing a fugitive Subscriber, 262
Ambition, 266
Way the Women fixed the Tale-bearer, 267
Penalty of kissing your own Wife, 272
Mysteries and Miseries of Housekeeping, 274
Miseries of a Dandy, 279
A juvenile Joe Miller, 284
"Selling" a Landlord, 285
Scientific Labor, 288
Who was that poor Woman? 289
Infirmities of Nature, 293
Andrew Jackson and his Mother, 294
Snaking out Sturgeons, 299
Mixing Meanings—Mangling English, 301
Waking up the wrong Passenger, 302
Genius for Business, 306
Have you got any old Boots? 307
The Vagaries of Nature, 312
A general disquisition on "Hinges," 317
Miseries of Bachelorhood, 321
The Science of Diddling, 322
The re-union; Thanksgiving Story, 324
Cabbage vs. Men, 330
Wanted—A young Man from the Country, 331
Presence of Mind, 336
The Skipper's Schooner, 337
Philosophy of the Times, 340
The Emperor and the Poor Author, 341
The bigger fool, the better Luck, 352
An active Settlement, 356
A Yankee in a Pork-house, 357
German Caution, 361
Ben. McConachy's great Dog Sell, 362
The Perils of Wealth, 367
Nursing a Legacy, 372
The Troubles of a Mover, 377
The Question Settled, 382
How it's done at the Astor House, 383
The Advertisement, 387
Incidents in a Fortune-hunter's Life, 400A Distinction with a Difference, 408
Pills and Persimmons, 409
Mysteries and Miseries of the Life of a City Editor, 414
The Tribulations of Incivility, 415
The Broomstick Marriage, 420
Appearances are Deceitful, 427
Cigar Smoke, 431
An everlasting tall Duel, 432
ILLUSTRATIONS
PAGE
"Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay?" frontispiece
"Go—goo—good Lord-d d! Ho—ho—hol—hold on!" 92
"What dat! got pistils in your pocket, eh?" 99
"With a presence of mind truly unparalleled..." 169
"Shet up, you piratin' cuss you..." 305
"Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman. 393
T H E H U M O R S O F F A L C O N B R I D G E .
If it ain't right, I'll make it all right in the Morning!
A keen, genteely dressed, gentlemanly man "put up" at Beltzhoover's Hotel, in
Baltimore, one day some years ago, and after dining very sumptuously every day, drinking
his Otard, Margieux and Heidsic, and smoking his "Tras," "Byrons," and "Cassadoras,"
until the landlord began to surmise the "bill" getting voluminous, he made the clerk foot it
up and present it to our modern Don Cæsar De Bazan, who, casting his eye over the long
lines of perpendicularly arranged figures, discovered that—which in no wise alarmed him,
however—he was in for a matter of a cool C!
"Ah! yes, I see; well, I presume it's all right, all correct, sir, no doubt about it," says Don
Cæsar.
"No doubt at all, sir," says the polite clerk,—"we seldom present a bill, sir, until the
gentlemen are about to leave, sir; but when the bills are unusually large, sir—"
"Large, sir? Large, my dear fellow"—says the Don—"bless your soul, you don't call that
large? Why, sir, a—a—that is, when I was in Washington, at Gadsby's, sir, bless you, I