Mallrats
96 Pages
English
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Mallrats

Downloading requires you to have access to the YouScribe library
Learn all about the services we offer
96 Pages
English

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M a l l r a t s Transcript [ Man ] one time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt ! You know you're gonna get this cat stuck in your ass too. Why don't you knock it off ?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out ?" My cousin was a weird guy. Whoa, whoa-oh-oh - [ Tires skidding ] - [ car door opening ] [ Humming ] Brandi Svening, come on down. I'm takin' your ass to Florida. Let's go, let's go. Where's your luggage ? The plane leaves in an hour. [ Sighs ] T.S., Did you see Julie Dwyer last night ? [ Groans ] yeah, yeah, I saw her at the video store. She was talking about being on your dad's stupid game show. He's not here, is he ? Yeah, he's inside. T.S. Did you tell her every time you're on TV you look ten pounds heavier ? [ Chuckles uneasily ] uh, well, yeah. I told her that the way TV shows are shot sometimes make you look a lot fatter than you are. Why, what'd she do ? Call up and cancel ? No, not exactly. T.S., You know Julie had a huge weight problem in school. She had the fattest ass. When you said that to her, she went straight up to the Y.M.C.A. And started doing laps...

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Mallrats

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[ Man ] one time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass.

True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news.

It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but the next week, he did it again.

Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room.

So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat.

And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt !

You know you're gonna get this cat stuck in your ass too. Why don't you knock it off ?"

And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out ?"

My cousin was a weird guy.

Whoa, whoa-oh-oh

- [ Tires skidding ] - [ car door opening ]

[ Humming ] Brandi Svening, come on down. I'm takin' your ass to Florida.

Let's go, let's go. Where's your luggage ? The plane leaves in an hour.

[ Sighs ] T.S., Did you see Julie Dwyer last night ?

[ Groans ] yeah, yeah, I saw her at the video store.

She was talking about being on your dad's stupid game show. He's not here, is he ?

Yeah, he's inside. T.S.

Did you tell her every time you're on TV you look ten pounds heavier ?

[ Chuckles uneasily ] uh, well, yeah.

I told her that the way TV shows are shot sometimes make you look a lot fatter than you are.

Why, what'd she do ? Call up and cancel ?

No, not exactly.

T.S., You know Julie had a huge weight problem in school. She had the fattest ass.

When you said that to her, she went straight up to the Y.M.C.A. And started doing laps...

Because she wanted to be fit for the show tonight,

And... Well...

In the middle of her 700th lap,

This embolism popped in her brain...

And she dropped dead, right in mid-backstroke.

She's fucking dead ?

Then her sister told her parents why she was doing all the laps,

And it got back to my father, and, and--

Shit, T.S., He's really pissed at you.

I mean, it's awful about Julie's death, and...

Now he doesn't even have a female contestant for his show.

Can't you calm him down ? I've done that.

Thank god ! How ? I told him I'd do the show.

Good. What ?

Oh, wait a minute. No, no, no. W-w-we're leaving for Florida.

T.S., I can't go. I've gotta stay here. No, no, no, no.

I've got something planned for Florida. No, we gotta go.

T.S., I'm doing this to get you out of trouble with my father. Help him out of a bind.

Which, you know, you kind of-- well, at least a little responsible for.

I bet he's happy as a pig in shit you're not going away with me.

Are you kidding ? He's absolutely devastated about Julie.

[ Panting,

Sighs ]

[ Karate shouts ]

I can't believe you ! Brandi, the guy hates me ! I bet he sees this tragedy as an excellent opportunity to keep you from going away with me.

Would you calm down ? I mean, you're being a complete ass.

[ Shouting ]

Sometimes I almost forget that you're such a daddy's girl. It makes me sick.

Oh.

Well, you know what I think's sick ? This relationship.

Brandi, come on. I thought we weren't going through this makeup/breakup shit anymore.

Yeah, well, you can just forget about making up.

You know, you are exactly like my father.

It's always about what you need, what you've got planned.

"Screw everybody else.

My shit is more important."

You're as thoughtless and self-absorbed as he is.

In fact, the two of you have so much in common, I think you should date each other !

Brandi--

Brandi, wait !

[ Groans ]

[ Rock ]

Sweet fucking Christ ! Would you knock it off ! God.

What ?

[ Sighs ]

What time is it ? 9:

30.

Man, go back to sleep.

[ Sighs ]

Christ.

[ Game audience cheering ]

What the hell are you doing ? Finishing my game.

No, no, no. You promised me breakfast. Breakfast ?

Breakfast, schmrekfest. Look at the score.

I'm only in the middle

Of the second

And I'm winning 12 to 2.

Breakfasts come and go, Rene.

Now, Hartford, the whale ?

Hey, they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

Ya hit the bathroom already ?

Don't worry, I didn't let your mother see me.

Who's worried ? Are you kidding me ?

I've never met a person who lives in as much fear of his mother as you do.

I do not.

That's why I have to sneak in here after every one's asleep and sneak out in the morning ?

You want I should tell my mother what we do in here at night ?

That you play video games and I fall asleep unfulfilled ?

Go ahead. It beats this sneaking-around shit.

What can I say ? She doesn't like you. You've never introduced me.

Yeah, 'cause you're always

In the goddamn bathroom.

What do you do in there ?

You really wanna know ? I asked, didn't I ?

I'm playing the role of the concerned guy.

I cry.

You cry ? I cry.

Any particular reason ?

[ Banging ] hey !

I think about people that make decisions that affect our lives.

The doctors who make advancements in curing diseases.

The engineer that designs skyscrapers.

- The guy that maps out

A plane's flight path. - The navigator.

I think about how those people are out there everyday,

Making a difference, leading big lives,

And how they refuse to be intimidated by the tremendous odds of failure they face;

How they only concern themselves with peers and company that apply to their goals...

And noble causes. Jesus, I'd hate to tell you what I think about in the bathroom.

I think about all that, and I cry.

Because I have nothing better to do than fuck you.

[ Rock continues ]

Seventeen, seventeen

Seventeen years old

This can't be happening

Seventeen, seventeen

You're dumping me ?

Is this because I didn't introduce you to my mother ?

La, la, la, la

La, la, la

La, la, la, la

La, la, la

La, la, la, la

La, la, la

You're a fickle broad, man.

Ah !

Holy shit. If it isn't mon frere.

The usual vault rules apply:

Touch not, lest ye be touched.

You're such an anal retentive bastard.

I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but, oh, no,

You wanted to play little league instead.

What's that ? Like it ? I framed it before you got here.

Oh, my god ! Rene dumped you.

Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn for sega.

Wow, look at this laundry list of complaints.

"You have no direction;

No college ambition;

No job prospect."

It also says I have no dick, but you'll notice that follows the financial question,

Proving once more what women really look for.

- She calls you callow. - You say that like it's bad.

Well, it means "frightened and weak-willed."

Really ?

Shit. That was th letter I thought was complimentary.

Ah, well, you're lucky.

Unlike you, I didn't even get a letter with obscure adjectives.

What are you telling me here ?

I, too, now am in the framing business.

Holy shit. Brandi dumped you ? Yeah.

Aren't you two supposed to go to florida ? We should've left this morning.

Oh, it gets worse. I was gonna propose to her.

Tour.

You're kidding ! What part ?

When jaws pops out of the water.

That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

Well, too bad I'm not trying to marry you.

Let me ask you something. Did you ever fart in front of her ?

[ Laughs ] why do you ask ?

I never farted in front of rene, not once.

Then last week, I let one slip. Today, she dumps me.